Absent Without Leave By Holly Searle

I was quite moved yesterday by all of the posts on social media to mark Father's Day. All of them positive mentions of dads that are very much present, and sadden by those relating to many that have long since passed.

Oddly enough, for me, as it was my mother's birthday, that wasn't my main focus. And rightly so, for she raised four children, regardless of why, pretty much on her own.

I later went on to do the same raising two alone. And let me tell you this, it is not an easy thing to do.

It's a crying shame to be placed in a position like that, as it can affect so many aspects of your children's lives when they have one parent as opposed to two.

Having one parent can create an incredible strain and vulnerability on the parent that remains as you have to provide all of their emotional, social and economical support, without any for yourself. Plus being a lone parent can often mean that your needs are over looked for the sake of your children's, resulting in a whole host of frustrations that inevitably become the norm.

Lone parenting is a hard graft. It is not for the meek, as you have to cover all of the bases where another person should clearly be positioned in the traditional sense of the expected family ideal.

I was never privy to the constant presence of two parents from the age of 12 and the legacy of this produced many insecurities in me as I grew into adulthood. It's hard to explain to people who have been raised by two parents what it is actually like to be so reliant on one parent, rather than two.

Your expectations are less as is your social affordability. It's all of those silly take for granted things that children from a two parent family just have access to, but you do not, that affect you most of all.

I can remember watching The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie when I was a kid. They were two of my favourite shows. When I think about them now, I realise that they both dealt with two families that featured a mother and a father and their on going lives, and those of their children. Two complete romanticised versions of what family life was like and how they functioned. It's odd when I think about that now. But that was probably why I lapped up the day to day lives of the Ingalls and Walton clans so vicariously like reading a Haynes manual for family life.

I was one of a few kids in my class at school who became the child of a single parent. In the late 70's that was rare. When I became one in the late 80's, there was a dreadful social sigma attached to this moniker. So much so that at times I felt like I should have been wearing a scarlet letter and holding my head in shame at every opportunity. But I didn't.

I did the best I could in the given circumstance, and Child One was always warm, fed, and most importantly loved beyond measure. Yes I struggled with it all. Being homeless with a small child is no mean feat, but it strengthens the reserves that you never thought you had access too, and that can't be a bad thing.

Then I did it all again with Child Two.

For whatever reason they had/have to remain absent without leave, both of the fathers of both of my children have missed out on all their offspring's daily lives. They have not been there to bare witness to the evolution of two of the most remarkable human beings I know. Their day to day progression as they have grown, and become the solid steadfast incredible individuals that they are.

So when I consider all of the angst and worries I have endured to keep us three afloat throughout my years of being their parent, I realise that even though it has at times been difficult and unsupported, I am the parent that has gained the most exceptionally fulfilling experience by being the parent that remained and did it all.

Sometimes, for what ever reason, there is only one choice when it comes to what is best for a child even if it does mean that they may miss out somewhere along the line.

But I have to say that both Child One and Child Two appear to have turned into two incredible human beings regardless. And for that, I am immensely proud of them both.

I know many wonderful fathers, too many to name here. They are engaged and present and that is what a parent should be regardless of whether they are the mother or the father.

So to my mum and all of the fathers, lone parents and parents out there, you're all brilliant. And remember, as long as your presence is felt and your children are loved, they will thrive, and so will you.

Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps) By Holly Searle

And in the news today, death, destruction, misery and a large portion of general finger pointing.

That's pretty much what the news delivers to you and yours on a daily basis via which ever media channel you subscribe to.

I don't know about you, but I have grown incredibly despondent in recent times in my efforts to sign up to any type of media reporting, as it is never happy news. On the contrary, it is always just death, destruction and like I said, general hoodwinking and slight of hand to deliver to you and yours a daily dose of mind blogging reports about events and situations that are in the extreme, negative and non productive, and in reality, just contrived to make you feel angry.

Yes these media whores and paddlers of generic frustration and despair, have blind sided us all. So much so, that in these modern times we inhabit, we are all in a constant anger induced state of flux, resulting in us all just wanting to head for the castle and kill the monster.

After each bulletin, we have all lit our torches, found our pitch forks, and are all togged up and ready to go.

And it is both exhausting and non productive for all our our gentle minds to be constantly bombarded with all of this News. As it leaves us, for the best part, socially and morally impotent, as there is no monster in a castle, but instead at its core, a biased narrative construct, rather than the actual cause of the issues.

Ask yourself these questions?

How many interpretations of events have you witnessed either orally or audibly via media channels that have left you feeling angry, sad, confused, and with your mind reeling as if it had been inhabited by poisoned worms?

Many I should imagine. And if you are anything like me, you have probably reacted in the first instance, by being quite shocked and upset that such horrifying incidents take place in this glorious world that we all live in.

It's draining isn't it?

The proof of the pudding is clearly reflected in the way in which social media reacts to these reports. That's us. Having put down our pitch folks and distinguished our flaming torches. We take off our shoes and coat and sit down and vent our worries and concerns via which ever account we subscribe too.

And at this point there is a clear distinction between who is affected and in what way and why.

It brings out the worst in some, whilst others just rise above it and continue to post videos of animals being cute. And whilst some may find those irritating, I say carry on, for it's better for your mental health in the long run to side step the crap that apparently happens by replacing it with something friendly and fluffy.

The point is, I can't absorb it all any more. It's too much for me as I can't continued to be manipulated by something that has been constructed to make me feel unhappy.

And for me those sweet little videos have a place in placating all of the nasty stuff. And if there is a steady stream of cheerfulness being created, well then get this, there must be good events occurring everyday on this planet. And if that is true, and I believe it is, then why can't we have that channelled in equal measure?

In the news today, the sun shone, the birds sang, and we all took time out to be lovely towards one another. Several thousand healthy humans joined our global community by simply being born. Wild game hunters gave up killing endangered animals and started conservation projects. And we all had a global street party and celebrated our differences. Everyone went home happy, healthy and fed. Tomorrow, there will be more of the same.

The point is, happy positive incidents take place as well. So why are we all privy to such negativity? And more importantly generating misery and negativity without addressing the root cause of its occurrence, is not really news is it? To me it just seems like a process that ends up causing more causalities, rather than thinking of a way in which we can make it better.

Wouldn't that be more productive?

Human beings are fragile creatures, and whilst some are more capable of responding in a more resistant manner to these fear factor induced reports, some are not. It festers in them and creates real life scary monsters and super creeps. And that is my point.

In an ironic way, News, whilst reporting on the evils in the world, irresponsibly creates it's own monsters.

And that is the real issue.

I tend to peer over the fence these days to see what is happening in the world. And when I I do, I find myself becoming angered quite quickly and start looking for my pitch folk. But before I light my torch and head for the castle to kill the monster, I switch over (or off), and replace my reactive mood with something positive and truthful (and possibly fluffy). It makes me smile, and I find that is best.

Default Setting review and Interview with Will Green: When Mister or Misses Hyde Takes Over By Holly Searle

Good grief, modernity is a hard place to exist within isn't it?

Isn't it?

It absolutely is my friends.

Everything is so fast and full on and furious, with endless necessities that we don't actually need being forced upon us on a daily basis, coupled with a myriad of demands that we can't hope to forged a healthy relationship with, in addition to a photographic hail storm of images of ideals that we cannot realistically emulate. That it is no wonder that one in four of us ends up with some form of psychological baggage or mental health issue, that has us all seeking out some form of sensual or physical obliteration via self harm, drugs or alcohol in order to enable us to formulate coping mechanisms to block it all out.

Yes modern life can be pretty tough on those who are more sensitive to its expectations, or ill equipped to deal with it all than those who are more robust.

It's hard to know why some of us are more sensitive and inclined to climb into a little box and lock ourselves away from it all when Mister or Misses Hyde takes over.

Is it nature? Or is it nurture? Or is it just both?

Maybe some of us are just better equipped to cope with life whilst some of us possess mental tectonic plates that are prone to shift and create a minor internal quake when life rubs them the wrong way.

For some of us, when we are propelled into an alternative state, usually due to a trigger. This trigger creates an imbalance that changes all that we know and our lives begin to rapidly spiral out of control, until we either become aware of what is happening and ask for help, or we are fortunate enough to be given it.

In his exceptional account of the immediate downfall and the cause and effect of his character Edward Staten's loss of his reality as he is plunged into the darkness of his own mental illness and ensuing breakdown, Will Green's comprehensive book Default Setting: A Nervous Breakdown, examines the grim but honest internal reality of the experience of suffering encountered by those of us who are more at risk from mental illness.

It's a roller coaster ride from the opening sentence until the last, that carries the reader along at a breakneck speed wincing all the way as Edward descends from a fully functioning human into life's gutter via a succession of events that although he is aware of, he has no control over.

It is both heartbreaking, intense and well observed. And offers the reader an insight into the vulnerability of those who are more sensitive and therefore more likely to access the dark-side of life and why.

For those who may wish to understand how this is possible, or for those who may have had first hand experience with a partner, family member or a friend who may have encountered mental health issues, I would urge you to access this book.

The book left me reeling with questions for Will which he was gracious enough to answer.



Interview for Pandora’s Box with Will Green, author of Default Setting: A Nervous Breakdown

Was the book based on your own experiences? Is it an autobiographical account?

Default Setting was based on my own experiences but I would stop short of calling it an autobiographical account. It is a fictionalised version of a very dark period of my life. I mean every emotion in Default Setting is real. I felt all the pain, hurt, self-loathing and depression that is documented within it on a daily basis, and I did have the problems with alcohol, drugs, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. So, from that point of view it is a pretty accurate account. In my opinion, in would be a monumental task to write credibly from a first person perspective about the internal workings of such a mind without having experienced it personally.
Story-wise, I have taken the liberty of altering certain aspects in a bid to make it flow better and be more readable, although, I hasten to add that the overwhelming majority of events were true, or at least based on truth.

Did you find writing it a cathartic experience or an uncomfortable one?

I found writing to be cathartic. In fact, it was suggested to me as a form of therapy by a psychiatrist I was seeing. It became something I did to help process what I was feeling. It helped me detach myself from what I was experiencing. To me, there was a real sense that if I could actually make something good out of what happened it would make sense of all of it.
The uncomfortable experience of the writing process was letting people read it. Making it available on-line at Amazon, Kobe, Google Play and i-tunes was a huge step for me. It felt like I was coming out, but I have to say the response has been overwhelmingly positive so far.

Do you think we all struggle with our demons?

I was very much aware of the statistic that 1 in 4 people suffer from some form of mental health problem but since releasing Default Setting I have had people writing to me to say they can relate to my writing and what I was saying with their own experiences. These are people that come across as being successful, confident and content. It showed me that mental health touches so many lives. It was naivety on my part to think I was separate and alone with this. So I think, to some extent, almost all people struggle with their own demons. How they manifest themselves, and how we react to them and deal with them is obviously personal to that individual but I do believe it is a common problem which is why I am so pleased that celebrities are speaking out about it and #TimeToTalk recently was trending on Twitter. I believe the first steps to providing adequate support to those with such issues is to de-stigmatise mental illness which will encourage more people to seek help.

Is mental health a direct result of the pressures that society places on us or we place on ourselves in society?

Based on my own personal experiences, there are certainly societal contributory factors, but it is more complicated than one or the other. I think the two are intrinsically linked. It’s kind of a chicken and egg situation. I believe that some people are more naturally susceptible to mental health problems than others and this can be exacerbated by external pressures. I mean, you just need to look at the issue of body image and what the media portray as beauty. That has a massive effect on what people deem as acceptable and what they “should” look like. For certain individuals, this perceived failure and lack of adequate coping techniques can lead to low self-esteem, self-loathing and a downward spiral into depression. However, it is by no means clear that it is the definitive root cause of mental health issues as there are certain biological influences at work.

Did you consider making Jess more vocal in the story to flesh out Edward’s history or was it always to be about him and his ongoing addictions?

Default Setting started life as a notebook for me to simply write as a way to express what I was feeling. There was really no plan to make a novel of it until a lot later on. I literally wrote about what was going on with me during a period of my life following a particularly messy and painful break-up. There was no reason for me to write about her as she was no longer in my life. All the experiences of the Jess character (except for one phone call) are in Edward’s head. They were him trying to make sense of everything that was happening, get through and cope. It is written in a stream-of-consciousness style. It wasn’t an active decision to write that way it was just what worked for me at that particular time and that approach left little need for her to feature much. I guess I could have made her more vocal but the simple fact was that, in real life, she wasn’t. She was just gone.


About the Author

Will Green lives in London, which is the backdrop for his début novel Default Setting. With 1 in 4 people suffering from some kind of mental health problem and suicide remaining the biggest killer of men under 50, this work of contemporary fiction, based on his own experiences, is both relevant and topical. It is available through a distribution deal with Help For Writers as a download for £2.99 on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and Kobo. Will has committed to making a donation to a mental health charity from some of the profits made on the sale of the book. You can follow Will on Twitter @WillGreenAuthor

Undoubtedly The Most Beautifully Crafted Love Song Ever Written By Holly Searle

How wonderfully refreshing it is the be overwhelmingly delighted by three minutes and nineteen seconds of pure joy.

It's a rare gift, and one I have to thank a dear friend of mine for sharing with me recently whilst I was busy helping her sort out some filing.

Do you like Jake Thackray? She asked as I sorted through a pile of paperwork.

It was a fine and clear day. Spring had finally arrived. All was good in the world, but it was about to get better as a familiar vocal and tune began to waft its way from the room in which my friend had posed the initial question.

I know this I thought. It sounds familiar?

Who did you say this was? I asked my friend.

Jake Thackray she said.

I know this I thought.

And so I sat, and I soaked him in. I absorbed his wondrous dulcet tones and filed him under further investigation required at a later date.

And then I completely forgot his name.

A few days pass and even though I cannot recall his name, the melody of that song is still playing in my head like a mental juke box with a play list featuring only him.

And then it starts to drive me crazy as I want to actually hear him/it again, but I can't Google him as I do not know his name.

I reach out to my friend for the key to the lock that will finally release me from my increasing mental anguish.

I ask her what's the name of that man who we were listening to the other day who was singing that song with the line I love you very much?

Jake Thackray she tells me. And the song is called Lah-Di-Dah.

I am finally released armed with this knowledge. And I download his album featuring this song straight away.

The relief, I can tell you is exceedingly sweetened by being able to hear it again.

And so it begins.

Now we're agreed that we're in love
We'll have to face the lah-di-dah

But wait, as I listen, something truly magical transpires. Not only is the melody oh so captivating, but his voice caresses my hearing like vocal velvet. And his enunciation, and choice of words is pure genius as it accentuates the intimacy of the love he feels towards his intended despite all of those she is related to.

I'll try love, I'll bill and coo
With your gruesome Auntie Susan
I'll stay calm, I'll play it cool;
I'll let your tetchy uncles
Get me back up, cross my heart.
And I shan't get shirty when they say I look peculiar.

The more I hear, the more I fall deeply in love with this song.

It is pure unadulterated joy underscoring the discourse that is undertaken when we become interlocked with not just the object of our affection, but all of those that reside in the queue behind them that also become part of the equation.

It is beyond exceptional and incredibly astute to be able to capture so much within three minutes and nineteen seconds.

And more than anything else, it is truly a bewitching three minutes and nineteen seconds I would encourage everyone to listen too.

But there is more to Jake Thackray than this song. His song book is an master class of songsmithing, that features tiny portals of life with a myriad of characters and situations that will entrance you and make you smile.

And the more you listen, the more you realise that Jake Thackray created a platform for the likes of Neil Hannon's Divine Comedy to exist upon.

But their cheeky and sometimes darkly dystopian wood shed curtain twitching tales are nothing in comparison to Jake Thackray's gentle beguiling honestly observed sweetness.

And Lah-Di-Dah, well it's just the most beautifully crafted love song ever written.

Now go and treat your ears and listen to it.

(I love you very much.)

Curriculum vitae - [the] course of [my] life By Holly Searle

I woke-up this morning with the same set of thoughts that the weekends appear to allow my over-tax mind these days; must lose weight, take care better care of myself, try not to suffer so many fools so gladly, file my most recent short story rejection with all of its brothers and sisters, and the current horrid unsuppressed malevolent unshakeable shadow of my subconscious' bête noire, the knowledge that pretty soon my pay will cease, unless of course I bag a hoochie coochie new job.

Ahhhh, I thought as my body and mind both started to unwind as I liquidated it with coffee, and mooched about for a bit thinking about life, and my role in its till receipt.

I guess I woke-up with all of this negativity clouding my brain as last night I was interviewed about something I didn't really have the heart to be interviewed about in the first place. And because I felt as though I had been duped into taking part in the process. And then, when I reviewed the photographic evidence of these proceedings, where I am standing next to two size 10 women, I looked like a bloated version of my former self.

Eeewwwwwwww.

Wince mentally, whilst making that face that I make with one eye closed, and my brow furrowed.

Then, as my mind tends to shift gear quicker than the support for Clarkson, I started to give myself that old pep talk about how that was just who I am, and that I really should be a little more less critical of myself and try to focus on all of the positives that I have actually managed to achieve in my life.

Did you know that the Curriculum vitae actually loosely translates into [the] course of [my] life?

Hummmmmmmmmmm, interesting.

In the CV I have now sent off to numerous advertised job posts, I have listed all of the relevant job roles that I have had that list my work life responsibilities and skills. And isn't it funny I thought, to nobody apart from myself, how we don't do this with our lives.

So I drew the conclusion that we should all write a personal CV as well as a professional one, noting all of our attributes and abilities and the like.

So here is mine.


Personal Profile

51 year old single female. Mother of two, and grandmother to one adorable little boy, whom she is helplessly in love with. Prone to laugh at life at every opportunity, whilst being bought to her knees by the idiosyncratic behaviour of humanity.

Dislikes cruel people.

Likes cats more than dogs (they make her itch and smell like wet wool).

Poor dating record as far as the men in her life are concerned. Likes to apply the idiom that like the bus she has just missed, there will be another one along in a minute.

Enjoys her own space. Likes sleeping. Enjoys the small luxuries in life, like a hot bath, silicone ear plugs, and a good book.

Has a 100 per cent positive feedback on Ebay with over 800 transactions (mostly second hand clothing). Likes words. Finds writing a personal liberation, although tends to over fantasise about the reality of making a living doing this, and would be the first to admit she can procrastinate with the process.

Is a good and supportive friend, although she needs her quiet time. Likes old movies, reading filmatic styled narratives. Doesn't particularly like drinking. Hasn't eaten meat since she was 15. Likes a good chat, is a good listener. Likes people, but cannot abide emotional vampires.

Has no time for time wasters. Can be too gullible. Has trust issues. Likes books. Elephants are her favourite animal. Cannot stand noise, drunks, cold-callers, homophobes or anyone who has an issue with difference that allows them to think that its existence empowers their short-sightedness.

Would like to live by the sea. Own several pieces of art. Be able to drive, and would hope that she has made tiny alterations to the lives of those she has had the pleasure to have interacted with.

Has been a great parent, and will be an even greater grandparent. Is proud of her children.

Has no religious beliefs.

Will never be skinny.

Has no grey hairs.


1963 – 1972

Born in the centre of London. One of three. Lived at various locations in London. Lived through three day week strikes. Power cuts. Attended protest rallies against Thatcher when she held the post of education minister. Never got a second bottle of milk at school as her surname began with S. Had many pet cats. First record ever purchased, Storm in a Teacup – The Fortunes. Was the fat kid at school.

1972 – 1981

Changed schools. Inducted into a new life in West London. Built friendships with people that she still has today. Bullied at school and probably had dyslexia for which her English teacher ridiculed her for, rather than helped her with. Attended concerts at London venues that now no longer exist. Overlooked at school, then was fortunate to be notice by an incredible teacher who introduced her to the wonders of literature. First book ever read - The Catcher in the Rye. Gained a new brother and became one of four. Fell in love with a the son of a Lord. Travelled a bit. Sang live. Finished school. Left home. Had some grubby mindless jobs. Worked on far too many films, TV shows, and adverts to be able to recall the names of.

1981 – 1991

Got lost in life without any clear destination. Had a horrific dating experience. Was foolhardy in mistakenly marrying a man. Went home after that ended. Wrote some music. Had beautiful girl. Homeless. Eventually found a home to live and grow in.

1991 – 1997

Made a home. Went back to college and then on to University and left with a degree. Loved every minute that she was in education for the second time, apart from all of the mucky jobs that she did to make extra money to support herself and her child to enable this process.

1997 – 2004

Depression. Found a great job. Met second husband. Had a gorgeous boy. Left the great job. Got married. Brought a home. Went to RELATE to save the relationship. But like the Titanic, it was beyond saving. Gilbert O'Sullivan Alone Again Naturally. Tammy Wynette D I V O R C E.
Sold most of her valuables to keep her and her charges afloat. Managed.

2004 – Present

Dark days. Survived with the help and assistance of many incredible individuals all of whom the words Thank You will never be enough.
Pulled her mental socks up. Child One got married and gave birth to the most beautiful and hilarious little boy.
Child Two has grown into a handsome young fella who is super smart and funny. He also bares an uncanny House of the Rising Sun resemblance to the young Alan Price. Me, I started writing. I found after a few hic ups how much I liked it. Got a job. The best part of the job was all of the people I worked with. We laugh everyday and support each other when we do not. Met a man. It didn't work out. I know why. He doesn't. Currently looking for a new job after being made redundant.

Key Responsibilities

Being human.
Growing up.
Learning.
Laughing.
Being a parent.
Having children.
Providing.
Making money and paying bills.
Being a woman.

Key Skills

Spinning plates and juggling balls.
Talking.
Being opinionated.
Resourcefulness.
Worrying.
Keeping it all together.

Personal Attributes

Being good at cuddling.
Great sense of humour.
Being a sauce pot.
My imagination.
Having nice hair.

Secret Wish

To be able to time travel.

Greatest Achievements.

Having my children and being their mother.


So that's the course of my life (so far).

And after writing all of that, this morning's waking thought, seem to belong to someone else.

So here's an image from last night.

Thanks for reading.

Momentai By Holly Searle

At the end of the month, I will be jobless and will therefore not have the support of my current dependable income.

Redundancy. What a horrible word that is with all of its implied finality.

Having known this was on it's way, I have been on the lookout from my tower for an alternative role that will keep the wolf from the door.

And so far, having attended a few interviews, and after having spoken to a few human resources people and recruiters, I am still looking.

It's a shame on so many levels, but on the positive side it has afforded me the time to think for a minute.

In my tower, I am closing my eyes and taking a massive mental deep breath, and exhaling at a slow pleasurable rate that I have decided is the best option until something appears on the horizon.

I am neither stressed nor worried. These are pointless and wasteful emotions as well as also being counter productive.

However, I have to say with my heart in my mouth, just how much I shall miss all of the good and incredibly gracious people I have been blessed to have worked with over the last year and some of my life.

They are collectively and individually, the nicest bunch of people I have ever had the pleasure to have worked with. And even though I have forged friendships with some of them that will undoubtedly continue, the very thought that I will no longer be interacting with them on a daily basis is actually what saddens me the most of all.

They have truly been my family.

Loosing your weekly 9 -5 isn't just about the money. It's about the importance of spending time with others, of being useful, and knowing that you have achieved something at the end of each of those days.

No matter what line of work you are in, your role is as valid as you make it. If you are not happy doing the job that you are doing, then it is probably time for you to reconsider what it is you feel you may find more interesting and palatable.

In my work life I have had many roles, and now I am looking for another. But more than anything, I will be adopting a Goldilocks attitude, as I would like to find something that is just right.

And I am gifted, as I have many skills, and bags of abilities that I shall be able to make use of in another role.

But what will that be?

Who knows?

I am great at fixing things for people, and I am excellent at communication. Personally I feel that this isn't something that human beings use effectively enough.

Also, I am a good listener. This is another skill I feel a majority of the world's population fails to do.

However, what has dawned on me is the simple fact that I need a better work and life balance to enable me to cover all of the financial cracks, and to be able to pursue something that if I do not do it now, I may regret later on.

So, here I am at a crossroad scratching my head and wondering what my next move will be.

I could turn one way and follow the same route I am used too. Or I could turn the other, and see if the risky unknown is doable.

I'll be honest with you, I would quite like a break from this choice, to be able to sail away to an island and just be for a while.

The past few months have been a little stressful and emotionally testing.

But wherever we go in life, we can't escape ourselves, and whatever we need to deal with will be right there with us.

One of the most talented people I have ever met, I met via the role I will shortly be leaving. She awarded me the moniker of Captain. I will love her for that gift forever. Whenever things got a little stressed at work, she would turn to me and say in her silky smooth voice Momentai Captain.

And I would laugh,and the stress would evaporate in an instant.

I was having a clear out the other day, and found a post it that she had written this on and had struck to my monitor.

Since finding it again, I have made sure that I have transferred it to a safer more accessible place. So every time I see it, I hear her voice whispering it, and I am immediately calm, and I know it will all be fine.

An equally amazing woman said to me the other day It will all be okay in the end, it always is. And she was, and is right.

And so in light of my recent news, I have decided to take the lessen known route and do some of the things that are more important to me. I need to finish a few projects, and balance it with making some money. And I will.

I have been through tough times, and once you have, it is only the fear of that fear, rather than the actuality of the impending situation, that scares you.

So don't let it. Face it head on.

Breathe, and say Momentai.

On The Plus Side By Holly Searle

Good grief Charlie Brown! It's been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for me over the past few months. Up and down, up and down, up and down. so much so, that in the end I told the guy who was running the ride to let me off.

Are you sure he said?

Ex post facto I look him in the eye and say, as he lets me off.

I don't look back as I walk away swaying like a seafarer who has been away at sea for far too long, and one who can't seem to find their land legs after having lost touch with the even steadfast reliability that is terra firma.

Each step is an effort. The roller-coaster has left me mentally and physically dizzy. My balance is well off kilter. But as I place one foot in front of the next, just like Beyoncé Knowles performance on the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury in 2011, I smash it.

The crazy in love oppression fades and I am walking like a boss.

I can breath again.

I am a single lady.

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

And it's all good. And I learnt a lot. Most of all I learnt that I like my space. I like the peace and quiet that I deserve and relish at the end of each day.

I like the sleeping in my bed. I like sleeping full stop. I like the freedom to be creative and not being smothered by the lack of laughter and playfulness.

I like to manage myself, and my income. It's something that I have learnt to do after being a lone parent and running a household for twenty years plus.

I like watching what I like to watch. I like going to the cinema and seeing old movies.

I like to keep my intellect nourished with the vitamins of popular culture and the abstract quirkiness of random daily conversations with other people.

I find that fascinating.

I find humanity fascinating.

I like colour in my life.

And I like laughing. I like funny people. And I like being happy.

And whilst I loved the idea of being loved and cherished. The tenderness of this soon dissipated when the up close and personal of domesticity came in to play.

A school boy/girl error on both of our parts.

But in the days that have passed by, I have been keeping a daily note of all the positive things that happen to me on a daily basis, as I felt (for a tiny moment in the aftermath at least), that I was a bit rubbish.

And this minor self preservation experiment has proved to been one of the most personable revealing things I have ever done.

Every day I have been on the receiving end of complements and praise either for something I have done, or because of something I have said. Or simply due to the way I looked.

In turn I have ensured that I have been consciously helpful or have praised someone else, or have just assisted a random stranger with something that made their day go by a little easier.

And it has shown me that I am not all that bad. I am actually quite nice. In fact it has made me be grateful for so much, and bloody well glad of it. And most importantly it has revealed how indescribably rich beyond my means I am with love and friendships.

And I like me for who I am.

Ipso facto.

And they like me for who I am.

And I for now I am happy being single.

I don’t doubt that when the time is right, some keen suitor may shimmy over in my direction and ask a few pertinent questions, and hopefully some Dorothy Parker-esque impertinent ones as well.

But for now, I am quite happy to be back on solid ground, strutting my stuff and leaving a trail of laughter and Chanel No.5 in my wake.

Cue the music, the dancers and the fireworks.

Now put your hands up.

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh


Wuh uh oh

Snakes and Ladders By Holly Searle

Once I had a secret love, that lived within the heart of me. All too soon my secret love became impatient to be free sang Doris Day whilst sitting in a tree and dreamily staring off into space while her horse looked after her jacket and her cowgirl hat.

Of course that is what we feel a bit like when we stand on that first square on the game board of any new relationship.

It's exciting and giddy. It's like being drunk on happiness. You shine like the brightest star in the night's sky.

Twinkle twinkle twinkle.

But relationships, whoever we make them with, are precarious journeys that are subject to to all sorts of both positive and negative possibilities. We throw the dice, and move from one square to the next. Sometimes we clime a ladder and get ahead of ourselves, and sometimes we slide down a snake, and realise that we haven't got anywhere or learnt anything at all, and that we will just have to start all over again.

Oh bollocks you mentally shout.

All of a sudden, we are less Doris Day, but more Thom Yorke singing an unplugged acoustic version of Creep.

Damn those snakes.

No more twinkle. Just a lot of hiss.

Hiss, hiss, hiss.

But do you know what? It's fine. Because once you realise that all relationships contain ups and downs, and that this state of affairs is perfectly normal, you will pretty much have cracked it kid.

All relationships make us vulnerable because we open up our hearts up without thinking first. And that is how it should be. Be open, be welcoming, fill your boots people. That's who you are isn't it?

That's who I am.

But maybe we should all operate a more selective open door policy in the same way that Steve Strange (may he rest in an exquisite glamorous peace) did.

Only let someone in because you think they're right for you and not because they are trying to over impress with their smoke and mirrors trickery, and in the process hiding who they really are.

Although I am sure even Steve must have rolled his eyes a few times over those he did or didn't let in on a busy night in Soho.

So what can I tell you? Just trust your own judgement. Because in reality we all learn something that is good bad or indifferent from all of the relationships we forge.

Sometimes these relationships may last the test of time and sometimes they will not. People change their expectations as they grow and formulate varying perspectives of the world in which we all live.

It doesn't mean they love you any less, or you them. It just means that they are as busy trying to work it all out as much as you are.

It's all bonkers really.

Just invest all the time and effort that you can in all of those connections that will last longer than a packet of Jelly Babies in my house.

And do you know what, just go with the flow, and stop playing emotional Snakes and Ladders, as it's a rather silly game just contrived to make you feel momentarily elated and then a massive failure.

Personally, I blame the dice.

If you're going to throw it anywhere, throw it in the bin.

So less hiss, and twinkling is free and achievable on your own terms. Keep those doors to your heart open, and never leave your horse alone with your hat.

If you follow these simple pieces of advice.

You'll be absolutely fine.

Je Suis Holly By Holly Searle

When I started this blog, I did so as it afforded me a space in which to express my views and feelings about anything and everything.

There was no agenda attached to it other than that.

Sometimes the things that I write about, are met with positive feedback. At other times, however, on a few occasions the piece I have crafted has been met with a negative response.

To receive positive feedback, always makes me blush mentally. And I would be a liar, if I told you that my ego isn't glad to be in receipt of it.

In its most simplistic form, positive feedback raises my soul to an indescribable level of ecstasy, and transports it into the stratosphere before propelling it into outer-space.

There is no other high like it.

The latter, the negative, is harder to accept. It can send you crashing to Earth with a atomic force that only Oppenheimer could be held responsible for. But by the same token, this is fine with me, as everyone is a critic and as such, just like me, they are more than welcome to express their views.

When you write and set your thoughts free on a public soapbox, you have to be aware that both of these responses are possible.

That is my right, as it is yours to say what you think.

But, you also have to be mindful.

I am blessed that (and I hate to draw the gender card from the deck), to be a women who lives and functions in a democracy, that enables me to do so.

However, the world is a odd place. It is made up of all sorts of people, men and women, who all harbour a variety of different beliefs and opinions.

Some I agree with, and some that I do not.

And as long as we have this pix and mix of humanity, we will have disgruntled individuals who will be more focused on the fact that their beliefs and opinions are more important and valid than anybody else’s. It is just the way of the world that is inhabited with far too many humans, all shouting the odds about this and that.

Quite frankly, if that is your bag, and you feel that passionate about carrying it around with you like an all consuming albatross, carry on. That is your choice, not mine.

However, as the comedian Bill Hicks once said half the world is shouting revolution, while the other half are shouting evolution.

I adore that quote as it sums up and encapsulates all that is is problematic with the world.

But that's just an opinion I have shared with Bill for the longest time, and one I will always stand by with conviction.

But the biggest issue that we face as a global populace is the ever decreasing circle that is created by actions speaking louder than words, with words speaking louder than actions.

Which is right and which is wrong I wonder?

And aren't both of those inherent in the DNA structure of every political leader that has ever been?

Well maybe not Gandhi, as he would have advised you to take the stance of non-violent civil disobedience when attempting to get your point across.

Sadly the same wasn't demonstrated by his assassin.

But, like I say, just like Gandhi did, that is just the way that I see it.

And just to have my say, because I can, I would say that the world is a worse place because of the extreme use of both words and actions, resulting in a series of devastating events.

The biggest casualties are those who bare witness to the consequences of these words and actions, and the changes that they bring.

And that my lovely friends is the stain that you and I have been tainted with.

There is no glue to fix that. And as long as our insignificant little planet is inhabited by humans with the ability to demonstrate their actions and voice their opinions in what the majority consider an inappropriate manner, we will all just have to stand by and bare witness to it.

Me. I choose to try and consider all aspects, and then draw my own conclusion and then act in an appropriate and considered and respectful way.

In the end anger solves nothing other than creating more needless anger that frustrates people.

If I have any words of wisdom to offer you, they would be, to just throw that frustration out with the rubbish, and replace it with a kinder mindful thought process, and act upon that on a daily basis.

Sometimes it feels like a David and Goliath struggle.

But if we all start giving a little more positive feedback for all the good that happens in the world instead.

Well then. The sky's the limit.

But like I said, for what it is worth, that is just my opinion, and you have yours.

George Bailey I'll Love You Till The Day I Die By Holly Searle

Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas at ours without Child Two and myself finding a cinema in which to watch Franks Capra's 1946 cinematic diamond It's a Wonderful Life.

I have seen this movie countless times over the years, and I am always amazed that each time that I do, I always see or notice something new.

How wonderful is that?

This classic Christmas movie is about one man's struggle to continually keep it all together for the sake of others at the cost of what he believes are the loss of his own dreams. In doing so, it evokes so many emotions that become prevalent for so many over the festive period.

The film deals with the life of the inimitable George Bailey whom we follow as he grows up with his head full of dreams of wild and exciting adventures. His wish is to shake the dust of his roots clean off his boots, and venture out of his home town of Bedford Falls to travel the world and discover all of the riches that life has to offer, are constantly compounded by a series of domestic events that keep him firmly tied to home.

His desires are replaced by duty. And his anguish at having to forsake his dreams, forces him into many emotionally and visually uncomfortable situations.

As we watch George grow from a boy into a man, we see how he struggles to repress his wishes as he starts building a life for himself in Bedford Falls with Mary his wife, and their children in the old Granville house.

After his father passes away, George replaces him at the Building and Loans office, more so in order to keep the underhand antics of his father's nemesis the town's banker Mr Potter at bay.

At first George has to remain in Bedford Falls to support his family. But then, as he takes his father's place, he does so in order to protect the entire town's populace against Potter.

This is some ask for just one man.

Then an unfortunate episode unfolds, which in turns drives George over the edge.

His only redemption, he feels is too end his life, but before he can do so, an angel called Clarence is sent down to earth to from heaven to save him.

As George stands contemplating his demise on a bridge, he see someone fall into the water below and rather than take his own life, he chooses to save that of another.

It soon transpires that he has saved Clarence. And still in a dark and brooding mood, George tells Clarence that he wishes that he had never been born.

Clarence grants George's wish, and there then follows a dark and dystopian tour of the now Pottersville. The town that in this nightmare has replaced the all to familiar Bedford Falls that George had live and worked in.

There is one scene in this movie that no matter how many times I see it, always makes me cry.

George has a younger brother called Harry, whom he saved from drowning when they were children.

In the most emotionally taxing scene in the movie, Clarence takes George to Harry's grave stone and explains to George that because he never existed, he wasn't there to save him

George is horrified. And along with all of the other discoveries he makes, due to his lack of being, makes him plead for his life.

A wish that is duly granted.

When he finds that he is back in Bedford Falls, he has no fear of facing up to the awful situation that drove him to the brink of suicide. He returns to his home to look for Mary and his children, to be overwhelmed by the arrival of the people of the town, who come to offer their support with his crisis.

During the commotion of visitors to his home, George finds a copy of Tom Sawyer that had belonged to Clarence. In which Clarence has inscribed Dear George Remember no man is a failure who has friends.

And in that moment, George realises that in spite of himself, he has a wonderful life.

What this movie teaches us is that we shouldn't focus on what we don't have, but what we do. And yes while we all may found ourselves in difficult situations, we are all blessed because of the relationships and bonds that we have formed throughout our lives.

It's a fabulously timeless cautionary tale that we can all learn a lesson from.

So this Christmas, take a moment to consider all that you have. I can guarantee you that it will be the best present you'll receive this year.

And if you get round to it, find a cinema that is showing this film and treat yourself.

And to you and yours, from me and mine, I wish you all a very Happy Christmas.

Why Everyone Should Have a Mr. Darcy By Holly Searle

If life has taught me one very important lesson, it is that you should never go shopping for food when you're hungry. And I mean ravenous. Not just a bit peckish, but absolutely and unremittingly famished.

This is such a bad move especially if you haven't eaten for a while, as you manically race around the supermarket carelessly chucking everything that takes your fancy into the basket that is uncomfortably cradled in the nook of your arm.

That looks nice, your half starved self tells yourself, as the once light and easy to lift basket granularly becomes increasingly heavier and heavier until your sane mind and the lack of blood flow in your arm due to the weight of the basket (that is depleting all of your remaining strength by the second), begins to steers you towards the nearest checkout.

You plunk the basket down and start to unload the items on to the conveyor belt. After each beep of the scanner, you pack each item rapidly. You pay the bill, and stagger away with your food swag, happy in the knowledge that pretty soon, your demanding appetitive will soon be satisfied.

Of course, in reality the mind panic, due to the lack of food that you are yet to consumed, has lied to you as well as your stomach. As it is only so big, and it can't possibly digest all of this wide eyed, hunger fuelled supermarket dash booty.

But you didn't know that when you purchased it all did you?

In a word.

No.

Finding your Mr. Darcy is a bit like this.

Let me explain.

For the longest time, I raced around life's supermarkets looking for something to fill a void. And no matter how hard I looked, or how much I purchased, I could never find what I was looking for to satisfy the emotional hunger that I felt

In the end, I gave up, as no matter how hard I shopped, or how much I spent emotionally, that thing I was looking for, just wasn't in stock.

I couldn't ask for it, as it had no name.

It, I came to conclude had alluded me, and I grew bored of my relentless pursuit of whatever it was and decided that either I was out of sync with the universe, or it just didn't exist.

So I left it behind and decided to step outside to feel the sunshine on my face, and came to the realisation that those who look for something, rarely find it.

Enjoy your life I told myself. Fill your boots with what you know, rather than what you do not. And so I did.

It was like a Spring-clean diet for my soul.

I changed my outlook and started to concentrate on other matters that my life was craving. Soon I no longer lusted after whatever it was.

Then one day, a curious thing happened, I woke up one morning with all the characteristics of the pragmatically head strong Elizabeth Bennet.

I quite liked this new me. I had become a polished version of the girl I had always been, with all the added maturity and wisdom of the woman I had become.

It was like coming home. I had at last arrived at a destination where I felt completely and utterly at ease with myself.

I felt an immense sense of pride as I had achieved this by myself.

I realised that I had choices and that this had afforded me a greater sense of liberation that was empowering.

And then you appeared.

Just like Darcy you presented yourself in an unfathomable presence in my newly created daily routine. This threw me off balance, as I had no idea what to make of it, or indeed what to do about it.

There you were, this incomprehensible enigmatic incalculable indecipherable and baffling individual. At first I just filed you in the back of my mind palace, until I could employ some form of Sherlock ingenuity to enable me to put all of the jigsaw pieces together to form a more logical picture.

I procrastinated for the longest time until it became quite unbearable, as it constantly niggled away at me.

Sometimes it grew tiresome. At other times it just left me. But mostly it refused to be ignored until I had addressed it.

Eventually after placing myself in a similar situation to relinquish myself of it altogether, I began to realise that I was unable to rid myself of it and that I had to deal with it once and for all. And that, my friend, took ever ounce of bravery I had.

And I suppose just like the uneven footsteps I manage when I left leg is playing up, I decided to be courageous and asked you a question and you answered yes. And that, just like the uneven sway of my uncertainty was how we began.

All stories have a beginning, and ours began there with that one word. A careful placing of one step in front of another, followed by more.

It has completed a circle, one that is increasing rather than decreasing.

I still have my own personal insecurities, but just like Elizabeth Bennet, I am learning to deal with them.

And having a Darcy in my life has provided me with a name for what it was. And that it is you.

House of Wax By Holly Searle

Having suffered from depression myself, I felt that it would be of use for me to see how fellow sufferer Ruby Wax had moved on from the same situation, and had progressed into studying how our brains work. In doing so, she wrote a fascinating book called Sane New World, in which she explored the negative effects that stressed triggered hormones can have on our health in the 21st century. And more importantly, how we can turn these negatives into positives, to enable us all to lead much more productive and healthier lives.

To compliment her book, she has been touring with a live show, in the same way she did when she decided to take her experience of depression on the road.

Statistically, it is said that one in four people suffer from depression. Personally I think that figure is incorrect as we live and function in a global space that forces us to look at and see things that we have become desensitise too. How can people en mass, therefore fail to be unaffected by the constant everyday bombardment of the masturbatory media dystopian images and reports about the world in which we all live?

In a nutshell, they can't. Everyday at tea time we bare witness to stories on the news about dreadful events that are happening in the world. There is no currency in this, as a majority of these news reports do not affect us personally, yet we are manipulated into feeling emotionally impotent having been exposed to them.

Imagine the affect those stories are having on your children?

My advice to you would be to turn over as I do and watch The Simpsons instead. At least it will make you laugh and contains its own strain of truth in each episode.

Life is pretty tough as it is without all of this forced negativity.

Yes it is terrible that a volcano has erupted on an island somewhere, but what can you actually do about that whilst eating your tea?

Absolutely nothing, that's what.

So, in this life we all lead, it is far far better to learn how too deal with all of this unnecessary additional stress, than it is to witness it and feel bad.

Just let it go, you'll feel better and you'll be happier for it.

This is the basic principle of Sane New World and how to learn to practice Mindfulness, a simple relaxation technique that will calm you down, and productively reduce the release of all those harmful hormones into your body.

Buy the book, you'll love it and learn a lot in the process.

Your mind does its own thing. It is your hard drive that is constantly working overtime to process all conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions.

And, you have to learn how to manage that baby, rather than letting it manage you.

As a recovered depressive, I find the whole principles of this practice perfectly logical. But that is how my hard drive works. These days I try to steer myself away from situation and instances that may cause me to feel emotionally drained or unwittingly knock me off kilter that in the process start to make me feel bad.

However, as that walking through the airport terminal sequence in Airplane! comedically demonstrated, it isn't always easy to avoid situations that may present themselves, and catch us out.

I try to think of these instances as the onslaught of flu. So I ride it out and decide that tomorrow is another day and I will feel better.

My mum told me that someone once told her that everyday we paint a new picture. If at the end of that day we don't like the picture we have painted, we can simply rip it up and start a new one the following day.

I like that.

So just remember that when you are feeling sad. It will get better. Believe me I know.

So there I was with Child Two in the Dress Circle in the stunningly beautiful Richmond Theatre, when a voice said "Hello!" And there was my gorgeous friend Carol whom I went to college with many years ago.

After a long and loving bear hug, it transpired that she was sitting with her friend in the row in front of us. What are the chances I thought?

The years have a delightful way of concertinaing when you meet someone you have a fondness for, and we caught up on the now whereabouts of fellow students who had been on the same course as us way back when.

She then said "Did you hear about David?" And I froze, as even I can work out that when someone uses that statement, it isn't going to be followed with anything particularly nice.

"No." I responded with great trepidation.

"He committed suicide." She said. "Depression."

The show started and I sat there in a state of shock.

David was someone whom I had had a brief relationship with during that course. He was an incredibly handsome man, who was an immensely talented actor. Not a lot of people understood him, as he could appear a little arrogant.

He wasn't, he was just a bit lost.

He once made me a compilation tape of all these wondrous songs, which I played endlessly.

I seem to recall that prior to college, he had been through some awful personal experience. He was doing his best, I always felt to keep on keeping on. But it wasn't easy for him.

The last time I saw him was at university. Whilst I was studying film, he was on the same campus studying music.

A few years ago, he popped into my head as I wondered what had become of him. God bless Google, as I eventually found a story that revealed that he was an IT Manager on the South East coast, who kite surfed to work every day.

This story made the national press. Although it may never have been a review of the production I saw his single handed performance save all those years ago, it was a good review.

It took a few days for me to compute this information after seeing Ruby Wax. And it made me feel incredible sad for the loss of another human being to depression.

How odd life is that you attend a show that it centred around that very issue, only to discover, yet another victim of its vile illness, told to you by a friend who happens to be at the same show sitting in the row in front of you.

Life is full of funny shit like that.

And do you know what? There is a message there somewhere, and whatever that may be, I am glad that I am here to tell you that story.

Rest in peace David.

You were a brave and effervescent participant of this world, and I thank you for having been a part of mine.

You Are Entering Area 51 - By Holly Searle

Let's face it, life is what you make it. Isn't that after all what Talk Talk sang all about in 1985, which actually seems like yesterday to me.

So, I have waved farewell to the big five-O and have entered area 51. But as I do, I have to say that fifty was a gift, as life just gets better and better from this run of the ladder.

Time is an odd concept isn't it? Sometimes you could be mistaken for thinking that nothing much ever really changes, when in fact changes occur in the blink of an eye every day that we live through. Children grow, family additions are made, and positive progression within ourselves is imperative in order to keep moving forward. The latter is especially important, if we have ever experienced what I refer to as periods of being stuck in the quick sand of life. The drag of all that negativity on us, has at some point after all, held us all captive.

Well not any more.

The addition of another birthday is always a time for reflective thought. But it is also teaches us that we need to acknowledge the gift of time and to waste it wisely, and not to dwell on what we cannot access, but what we can, not unlike Area 51.

For those who are unaware, Area 51 is a restricted military base located in Nevada. There have been many theories attached to its history, and what actually takes place there.

Most famously it is associated with supposed alien experiments. Its mysterious goings-on are the stuff of a conspiracy theorists wet dream. Between you and me, we will probably never know the truth of what they do there. But may be the intrigue is more interesting, than the actual reality. Not unlike all that pondering we all did about what the writers of LOST were up to. Two words: Polar Bear.

Life can be a bit like that. Sometimes you can waste massive amounts of time wondering, instead of just doing or simply being.

In my area 51 there is no room for all that malarkey, as this is what I know. I know that I have gone from the girl that had waited like Amy Pond, to the woman who no longer has too. It is such a relief to have stumbled across you.

I also know that tiny steps achieve great journeys to as yet unknown destinations, and that the impending Nirvana of that is a state of calm and emotional security, that is an insightful and much needed gift.

I also know that I am not perfect and that perfection is just a word in the dictionary, and not a lifestyle.

It took me a long time to realise that, and I am so glad that I have.

Life can be messy, stressful, trying and tiresome. But it can also be managed, and with the mindset of an architect, can be rebuilt into something glorious, steadfast and reliable.

Support, love, communication and understanding are the bricks and mortar that build a stronger home for the heart.

And as Dorothy quite rightly observed “There is no place like home.”

I also know that I am so blessed and incredibly fortunate to know all of the people that I do, and to have shared time with them. I have been inundated today with love and affection, and I cannot express how humbled I am by that. So thank you all.

Those are gifts that you simply cannot buy.

My area 51 is now open and accessible for more.

And I am looking ahead, staring at the horizons with an open heart and an open mind.

And it doesn't better better than that.

Mirror, Mirror on The Wall By Holly Searle

I love The Brothers Grimm. The initial tales that they wrote were an ironic reflection of their name, as they are far from elementally pleasant.

And just like life itself, the original stories contain dark aspects that are wince worthy and brutal. The Disney adaptations of these classic tales, whilst being quite emotionally manipulative, do not feature these horrific elements. If they did, all of the small children that ever watched them, would have nightmares.

No, those interpretations more often than not, concentrate on a protagonist who has been subjected to some social wrong doing, which is resolved in their favour before the credits roll.

In the tale of Snow White, a magic mirror that cannot lie creates an air of vanity and pride so tangible, that the request is given for a child to be removed and slaughtered.

But the child is spared.

The magic mirror is bound by the truth, and continues to reiterate the fact that the child is still alive.

In the end, driven mad by the answers to the questions asked of, and delivered by the mirror, its owner is forced to face the truth with dire consequences.

Mirrors play out all sorts of social scenarios in both myths and in reality.

In vampire stories, the mythical beings have no reflected image as they no longer have their souls. This infers that what we see when we glaze at our image, is the truth about who we are.

I have a friend who often uses the analogy that he can look in his mirror and know that he is happy with his reflection as it shows a man who is truthful and honest, and who has no hidden agenda.

In the classic British portmanteau 1945 horror film Dead of Night Peter and Joan Cortland acquire an antique mirror that houses an alternative world, with the main objective of luring them in. In the end the mirror is broken to avoid their absorbency into this dark reflected reality.

And even in popular culture the mirror has been used by Michael Jackson in his 1988 song Man in The Mirror to make the social comment that in order to initiate change, he must starts by taking an honest look at himself in his mirror.

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change He sings.

On a daily basis we use mirrors to check that what we see reflected back at ourselves is an acceptable image of who we are.

That image changes over time unlike the picture that Dorian Gray kept stored away in his attic. We see these subtle changes occur as the years pass by at an alarming rate, and sometimes we are happy with what we see, and sometimes we aren't.

But what we see is the truth of who we truly are. Sometimes there are those that ask too much of their mirror and find its truth too raw. And not unlike the owner of the mirror in Snow White attempt to dispel what they are told by altering their image by taking drastic measures.

Or there are those that do not believe in themselves and cannot see their own humanity.

Or those that see what they choose to see.

Or those that need to take an honest look and change their attitude.

I see who I am when I look in the mirror, and just like my friend, I am happy with the image that is reflected back at me.

Waving, But Not Drowning with The Beatles By Holly Searle

When I was seventeen I fell in love for the very first time. However, this did not arrive without its own issues as I can quite clearly recall with heartbreaking clarity how the object of my affection was sent away by his parents for educational purposes pretty early on in the Paltrow coupling stages of our fledging relationship, leaving me devastated and alone.

Those were tough times.

I mooned away the endless stretches of this infinite time by listening to The Beatles album A Hard Day's Night. Its thick black vinyl must have rotated a hundred times on the turntable during those few weeks with John, Paul, George and Ringo lamenting the narrative of my emotional state of being until my love returned.

If I Fell, And I love Her, I'll Cry Instead and The Things We Said Today all underlined the pitiful predicament I found myself in.

I still have that album stored away in the loft at mine. And just like all of the other items that I have squirrelled away over the years like a magpie intent of feathering its nest with precious trinkets, I shall never part with it as it will always remind me of that summer, and my first love.

Safe to say, the actuality of the situation, the unfolding romance of my mind palace, in the end came to nothing with the resonating words of John and Paul's request rhetorically haunting me forever more.

Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I
Would be sad
If our new love was in vain

I am away now, and find myself in the same situation, minus the album or a turntable on which to play it.

It is hard to leave the foundation of something that you have just set in motion behind, whilst you are on another personal journey and a much needed break from your day-to-day life at home.

This all puts me in mind of Tom Hardy in the wonderful film Locke in which he worries endlessly about the cement that is going to be poured into the foundations of a project without him being there to watch over it, because he has to attend to something else.

That's me, trying to manage it all, whilst trying to manage it all.

I am no longer seventeen. I am a grown woman who has been given a gift. I have been blessed with you, and all that will be. And I know, hand on heart that the cement that I have already poured will set to our satisfaction.

Of this, I have no doubt.

But women are different from men. Apparently in the arena of love, our emotions act like waves, building to a crescendo and then crashing as we feel insecure within its hands. Exposed by our own vulnerabilities of the heart.

I am aware of these peaks and troughs, and as such, and because I am away, I will keep riding the crest of the wave rather than drown in my own misgivings.

I never want to do that again.

You see I am more in tune with the woman I am now, rather than the girl I once was. I know me very well. I no longer moon, as I prefer to plan ahead, and to write the story of what we will be with my own mindfulness one step at a time.

And if I could choose an appropriate Beatles tune as our soundtrack to these unfolding events, it would have to The Long And Winding Road.


The long and winding road that leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before it always leads me here
Leads me to your door

Path of Least Resistance By Holly Searle

When I decide to embark upon a journey, the paramount objective in doing so, is to achieve it via the smoothest route possible.

It isn't rocket science Mr White, it is just pure and simple practicality. What person in their right mind would conclude otherwise?

Life itself is the biggest adventure that we all embark upon. There is no map. No road signs. And no handbook. It is more akin to a voyage of discovery. You simply join up all of the dots in your daily activity log. Sometimes all of these dots when connected may resemble a Jackson Pollack painting crazily scattered all over the canvas of your life as it pans out. Hopefully the amazement of this configuration when viewed by you, will be accompanied by your humming Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien . I do hope so, as we are all individuals, who have different works of art to construct, warts and all. And you should celebrate this vision of your life as it hangs on the wall in front of you. After all, you painted it.

A particular work of art that resonates with me and my life, is Edwards Hopper's 1939 New York Movie. It's a real beauty, and typifies Hopper's stylistic use of light and dark to evoke an overall prevailing mood, with multiple possible narratives regarding its main subject matter, that of a lone usherette.

While the audience sit in the dark watching the movie, she stands alone to the right of the picture under a light pensively contemplating what? Her life? Her lover? How many times she has bore witness to this one feature? The fact that her shoes are hurting her feet and she is wondering if she can sit down in one of the vacant seats without her boss seeing? Or maybe she is wondering what she will have for dinner? Or about that novel she has yet to complete? Or maybe she is simply waiting.

The scenarios are endless.

As are the choices that we all make in life and the paths of least resistance that we decide to take.

I have often identified with her, as her pose and countenance has as many transferable and transient emotions as mine at varying moments in my life.

I have formed quite an affinity with her and have a great affection for her.

New relationships are journeys. The preamble before they start, consists of packing all of your contemplations of what may lie ahead into a relatively small case. You don't want to pack too much, as you may never find any of these items useful. Also, the bigger the case, the heavier the burden of having to carry it all, should it reveal itself to be nothing more that a farcical endeavour.

These small cases contain all of your insecurities and worries in addition to your hopes and positivity about what may be. It holds questions as well as self-doubts. You also pack some trust, that is as important as remembering to pack your passport.

These journeys relay upon trust more than anything else. It is the foundation of everything. Without it, you may as well abandon all hope and stay at home and eat all of that Kendal Mint Cake that you now have no use for.

Early on in the journey, you may realise that your case has acquired a small hole, and some of the least attractive items that you have left in the case from previous ventures, have fallen out. You may decide to bin them, as they may just remind you of all of the other journeys that you have embarked upon, and realise that this one may turn out to be like all of the others.

They make you feel vulnerable.

Maybe that is what the usherette is thinking about. Maybe she has waited so long in the dark, that she is pondering if she willing and brave enough to leave the theatre with her case.

For sometimes the path of least resistance is to avoid all journeys.

But if I could speak to her, I would tell her to not to take a case at all. I would advise her to just trust her own instinct as she takes each small step beyond the movie theatre as she begins her journey into the sunshine and just to enjoy every moment.