- Holly Searle
- London, United Kingdom
- Holly Searle is a writer and an artist who was made in Soho and thereafter born in the heart of London. She has been blessed with two quite remarkable children and grandchildren whom she adores. She enjoys the company of her friends and the circus that is life, has a degree in Film and Television, and has exhibited her artwork in several exhibition.
Saturday, 21 March 2015
I woke-up this morning with the same set of thoughts that the weekends appear to allow my over-tax mind these days; must lose weight, take care better care of myself, try not to suffer so many fools so gladly, file my most recent short story rejection with all of its brothers and sisters, and the current horrid unsuppressed malevolent unshakeable shadow of my subconscious' bête noire, the knowledge that pretty soon my pay will cease, unless of course I bag a hoochie coochie new job.
Ahhhh, I thought as my body and mind both started to unwind as I liquidated it with coffee, and mooched about for a bit thinking about life, and my role in its till receipt.
I guess I woke-up with all of this negativity clouding my brain as last night I was interviewed about something I didn't really have the heart to be interviewed about in the first place. And because I felt as though I had been duped into taking part in the process. And then, when I reviewed the photographic evidence of these proceedings, where I am standing next to two size 10 women, I looked like a bloated version of my former self.
Wince mentally, whilst making that face that I make with one eye closed, and my brow furrowed.
Then, as my mind tends to shift gear quicker than the support for Clarkson, I started to give myself that old pep talk about how that was just who I am, and that I really should be a little more less critical of myself and try to focus on all of the positives that I have actually managed to achieve in my life.
Did you know that the Curriculum vitae actually loosely translates into [the] course of [my] life?
In the CV I have now sent off to numerous advertised job posts, I have listed all of the relevant job roles that I have had that list my work life responsibilities and skills. And isn't it funny I thought, to nobody apart from myself, how we don't do this with our lives.
So I drew the conclusion that we should all write a personal CV as well as a professional one, noting all of our attributes and abilities and the like.
So here is mine.
51 year old single female. Mother of two, and grandmother to one adorable little boy, whom she is helplessly in love with. Prone to laugh at life at every opportunity, whilst being bought to her knees by the idiosyncratic behaviour of humanity.
Dislikes cruel people.
Likes cats more than dogs (they make her itch and smell like wet wool).
Poor dating record as far as the men in her life are concerned. Likes to apply the idiom that like the bus she has just missed, there will be another one along in a minute.
Enjoys her own space. Likes sleeping. Enjoys the small luxuries in life, like a hot bath, silicone ear plugs, and a good book.
Has a 100 per cent positive feedback on Ebay with over 800 transactions (mostly second hand clothing). Likes words. Finds writing a personal liberation, although tends to over fantasise about the reality of making a living doing this, and would be the first to admit she can procrastinate with the process.
Is a good and supportive friend, although she needs her quiet time. Likes old movies, reading filmatic styled narratives. Doesn't particularly like drinking. Hasn't eaten meat since she was 15. Likes a good chat, is a good listener. Likes people, but cannot abide emotional vampires.
Has no time for time wasters. Can be too gullible. Has trust issues. Likes books. Elephants are her favourite animal. Cannot stand noise, drunks, cold-callers, homophobes or anyone who has an issue with difference that allows them to think that its existence empowers their short-sightedness.
Would like to live by the sea. Own several pieces of art. Be able to drive, and would hope that she has made tiny alterations to the lives of those she has had the pleasure to have interacted with.
Has been a great parent, and will be an even greater grandparent. Is proud of her children.
Has no religious beliefs.
Will never be skinny.
Has no grey hairs.
1963 – 1972
Born in the centre of London. One of three. Lived at various locations in London. Lived through three day week strikes. Power cuts. Attended protest rallies against Thatcher when she held the post of education minister. Never got a second bottle of milk at school as her surname began with S. Had many pet cats. First record ever purchased, Storm in a Teacup – The Fortunes. Was the fat kid at school.
1972 – 1981
Changed schools. Inducted into a new life in West London. Built friendships with people that she still has today. Bullied at school and probably had dyslexia for which her English teacher ridiculed her for, rather than helped her with. Attended concerts at London venues that now no longer exist. Overlooked at school, then was fortunate to be notice by an incredible teacher who introduced her to the wonders of literature. First book ever read - The Catcher in the Rye. Gained a new brother and became one of four. Fell in love with a the son of a Lord. Travelled a bit. Sang live. Finished school. Left home. Had some grubby mindless jobs. Worked on far too many films, TV shows, and adverts to be able to recall the names of.
1981 – 1991
Got lost in life without any clear destination. Had a horrific dating experience. Was foolhardy in mistakenly marrying a man. Went home after that ended. Wrote some music. Had beautiful girl. Homeless. Eventually found a home to live and grow in.
1991 – 1997
Made a home. Went back to college and then on to University and left with a degree. Loved every minute that she was in education for the second time, apart from all of the mucky jobs that she did to make extra money to support herself and her child to enable this process.
1997 – 2004
Depression. Found a great job. Met second husband. Had a gorgeous boy. Left the great job. Got married. Brought a home. Went to RELATE to save the relationship. But like the Titanic, it was beyond saving. Gilbert O'Sullivan Alone Again Naturally. Tammy Wynette D I V O R C E.
Sold most of her valuables to keep her and her charges afloat. Managed.
2004 – Present
Dark days. Survived with the help and assistance of many incredible individuals all of whom the words Thank You will never be enough.
Pulled her mental socks up. Child One got married and gave birth to the most beautiful and hilarious little boy.
Child Two has grown into a handsome young fella who is super smart and funny. He also bares an uncanny House of the Rising Sun resemblance to the young Alan Price. Me, I started writing. I found after a few hic ups how much I liked it. Got a job. The best part of the job was all of the people I worked with. We laugh everyday and support each other when we do not. Met a man. It didn't work out. I know why. He doesn't. Currently looking for a new job after being made redundant.
Being a parent.
Making money and paying bills.
Being a woman.
Spinning plates and juggling balls.
Keeping it all together.
Being good at cuddling.
Great sense of humour.
Being a sauce pot.
Having nice hair.
To be able to time travel.
Having my children and being their mother.
So that's the course of my life (so far).
And after writing all of that, this morning's waking thought, seem to belong to someone else.
So here's an image from last night.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, 12 March 2015
At the end of the month, I will be jobless and will therefore not have the support of my current dependable income.
Redundancy. What a horrible word that is with all of its implied finality.
Having known this was on it's way, I have been on the lookout from my tower for an alternative role that will keep the wolf from the door.
And so far, having attended a few interviews, and after having spoken to a few human resources people and recruiters, I am still looking.
It's a shame on so many levels, but on the positive side it has afforded me the time to think for a minute.
In my tower, I am closing my eyes and taking a massive mental deep breath, and exhaling at a slow pleasurable rate that I have decided is the best option until something appears on the horizon.
I am neither stressed nor worried. These are pointless and wasteful emotions as well as also being counter productive.
However, I have to say with my heart in my mouth, just how much I shall miss all of the good and incredibly gracious people I have been blessed to have worked with over the last year and some of my life.
They are collectively and individually, the nicest bunch of people I have ever had the pleasure to have worked with. And even though I have forged friendships with some of them that will undoubtedly continue, the very thought that I will no longer be interacting with them on a daily basis is actually what saddens me the most of all.
They have truly been my family.
Loosing your weekly 9 -5 isn't just about the money. It's about the importance of spending time with others, of being useful, and knowing that you have achieved something at the end of each of those days.
No matter what line of work you are in, your role is as valid as you make it. If you are not happy doing the job that you are doing, then it is probably time for you to reconsider what it is you feel you may find more interesting and palatable.
In my work life I have had many roles, and now I am looking for another. But more than anything, I will be adopting a Goldilocks attitude, as I would like to find something that is just right.
And I am gifted, as I have many skills, and bags of abilities that I shall be able to make use of in another role.
But what will that be?
I am great at fixing things for people, and I am excellent at communication. Personally I feel that this isn't something that human beings use effectively enough.
Also, I am a good listener. This is another skill I feel a majority of the world's population fails to do.
However, what has dawned on me is the simple fact that I need a better work and life balance to enable me to cover all of the financial cracks, and to be able to pursue something that if I do not do it now, I may regret later on.
So, here I am at a crossroad scratching my head and wondering what my next move will be.
I could turn one way and follow the same route I am used too. Or I could turn the other, and see if the risky unknown is doable.
I'll be honest with you, I would quite like a break from this choice, to be able to sail away to an island and just be for a while.
The past few months have been a little stressful and emotionally testing.
But wherever we go in life, we can't escape ourselves, and whatever we need to deal with will be right there with us.
One of the most talented people I have ever met, I met via the role I will shortly be leaving. She awarded me the moniker of Captain. I will love her for that gift forever. Whenever things got a little stressed at work, she would turn to me and say in her silky smooth voice Momentai Captain.
And I would laugh,and the stress would evaporate in an instant.
I was having a clear out the other day, and found a post it that she had written this on and had struck to my monitor.
Since finding it again, I have made sure that I have transferred it to a safer more accessible place. So every time I see it, I hear her voice whispering it, and I am immediately calm, and I know it will all be fine.
An equally amazing woman said to me the other day It will all be okay in the end, it always is. And she was, and is right.
And so in light of my recent news, I have decided to take the lessen known route and do some of the things that are more important to me. I need to finish a few projects, and balance it with making some money. And I will.
I have been through tough times, and once you have, it is only the fear of that fear, rather than the actuality of the impending situation, that scares you.
So don't let it. Face it head on.
Breathe, and say Momentai.