About Me

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London, United Kingdom
Holly Searle is a writer who was born in Westminster in the middle of London. She shares her birthday with Jarvis Cocker and David Seaman and like Jarvis Cocker she wears glasses but has nothing whatsoever in common with David Seaman. She is fascinated by words, people and their stories, and regularly spends hours fantasising about being offered a weekly column. She has a degree in Film and Television which she gained from Brunel University in 1997. She has been blessed with two quite remarkable children whom she adores. She enjoys the company of her friends and the circus that is life. Long Walk to Forever by Kurt Vonnegut is her favourite short story. She is the author of the published children's tale The Story of Balan Singh, and is currently working on her first book.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

For My Next Trick By Holly Searle







When I was a youngest, I erected a wall around me. I erected it due to all the men that I had ever allowed to detract from my sensibilities.

It was hard for me to sustain and maintain that wall, because at my core lies a person who believes in people and all that they have to say.

As I got older, I dismantled that wall as I found that I had to be true to myself. It is who I am and I cannot change that.

Not having the wall means that I am open to everyone and anything. It is my default setting. I will take you as you are and act accordingly.

I have no idea what the events of the last week were meant to mean. I just welcomed them and responded to them as I saw fit.

Of course within any two way relationship, we can only take it at face value due to what we are told and how we are treated whilst it last.

It was all very odd.

The old version of me would have struggled with the impact of it all and possibly considered rebuilding that wall. But, I am happy to say that I looked at it all and decided that I wasn't going to allow that to happen.

I did nothing wrong. I was just being me. I trusted the situation and the person, as I was told by them that they were honest, truthful, didn't play games and like me, also wore their heart on their sleeve.

Unfortunately, due to this statement, I gave away far too much of myself and then became embroiled in some unfolding chaotic drama that was not of my making.

Even though I have ever sympathy for those affected by an unfortunate series of events, I felt used by all of those concerned. And that hurt me a great deal.

It affected me quite badly as it was like an explosion in a ticker tape factory. From the very off it appeared to be too good to be true.

Although, if I am honest about it, from the very off, I sensed that something wasn't quite right. The person was very self centred and the revelation that on top of their recent split, that had also been in receipt of counselling, led me to assume that they would have to have the constitution of a battle ship, to be able to encompass a new relationship.

I was obviously a sitting duck distraction.

When the dust had finally settled and reality bit, they did a u-turn and headed out of Dodge before the sun had set.

Initially I was heartbroken that someone should come baring so much and create illusions with promise of delivering more, only to then discard me like a like a toy that they no longer favoured

I had a choice. I could let it upset me, or I could say to myself, what a complete idiot and move on.

I chose the latter.

I do not need to lower my expectations of who I am, by allowing myself to spend my time slumming it with someone like him.

I cannot stand those personalities who are so complex and intense they demand the attention of an unwilling audience by wallowing so openly in self-pity. And your self flagellation was the most unattractive thing I have ever bore witness too.

It isn't attractive and if I wanted to put myself through that, I would have just watch Krzysztof Kieslowski Three Colours trilogy.

Like I said, I have ever sympathy, but do it on your own time and not on mine.

We all suffer varying degrees of upset, lost and transition at some point in our lives. If we didn't, we would never be able to appreciate all the good things that happen to us.

And you very nearly had me there, but this lady isn't prepared to put up with street magicians and their sleight of hand trickery or court jesters with bells on their hats.

No, I am more interested in reality and the brightness of my future. I am more interested in my own well being and all the genuine people in my life and all of those I have yet to meet.

And I like the way my life is, without you in it.

I hope that no man ever does to your daughter, what you did to me. But chances are, while there are men in the world like you, they will.

And so, with one more joker ejected from the pack, my default settings are fully restored.

And for my next trick, I am off to a happy place and you're not invited.








3 comments:

Deirdre McNinch said...

Oh Holly. You are such an honest writer. Keep being true to who you are. Its important. Congratulations on another fine piece. x

Sam Lewis said...

Lovely writing Holly x

pete laxton said...

nice piece hol.
some men shouldnt be allowed out to play without his mummy to make sure he behaves himself