Hope By Holly Searle

This has been a great year for me so far and the city that I was lucky enough to be born in.

As I discussed in Marmalade, the last few years haven't been particularly good for me. But as I welcomed in the New Year, along with everyone else, I had a sense that this was going to be a new start for me. And so far it has been just that, right on the money.

I was lucky enough to have set targets ahead of me, beacons if you will, that had already been lit and put in place to act as positivity markers that illuminated my new journey.

I fulfilled a lifelong dream and visited New York in January. A gift to me for my last birthday from Child One. It was just incredible. Because of the issues that I had had, I did worry that I would find it all too overwhelming, but in fact, I never felt more at home than I did as we drove from the airport to the our hotel on that first night. It was an inspirational trip that was filled to the brim. I cannot wait to go back there one day.

Next, both children and I went off to Ireland to visit our family there. It had been a while and as I have already explained, my Dad hasn't been well, so off we all went. Again, it was like going home.

I also invested some personal time on my own, just mooching around the city and falling back in love with it. I walked around it, visited places I had always wanted to go, made myself board buses and boats to enable me to map the city in my mind's eye and made a whole host of new and enlightening discoveries. I did it all and loved every damn minute of it.

I realised how far I had come, but I also realised how much I wanted to share it all with another like minded soul.

As I count the days down to my forty-ninth birthday, I feel the lacking more now than at any other time in my life of the need to be connected to another adult that I can share my life with. And here is the weird part, it isn't because I am lonely, it is because for the first time in my life I am happy and I want to share that.

It is a fantastic realisation on which to stumble upon. Quite profound in fact. And what is even more illuminating, is that I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be too long before it becomes a reality.

The story of Pandora's Box illustrates my current situation perfectly. Pandora, a moniker that was very nearly bestowed upon me, was given a box by Zeus to watch over. She was told in no uncertain terms not to open the box or mankind would be doomed. Of course she did, but before it was too late, she managed to close it again. And the only thing that remained in the box was the spirit of hope and mankind was saved.

Young unmarried women used to save items that they had made in their Hope Chests, with which they would furnish their future lives that were still yet to unfold. And I realise now, with all that has gone before and has been stored away in mine, that I am ready for this moment to unfurl.

I have enjoyed being single, it has been fine. I am a dab hand at fixing most things. I can manage my money, I know my limitations and downfalls, I am not too good at knowing when I should really be going to bed for example.

But, and here's the thing, I am missing the presence of a man. I miss the feel of him and the fact that someone will be there as a sounding board for me. I am missing the phones calls to see how I am or when I will be home or if we can attend a do together. I am missing out on the planning and the company of a fellow journeyman to accompany me in the next few chapters of my life, that really should be ours.

I am missing it so much, and I am ready now, for him to arrive and ask me to dance or tell me how attractive I am looking today, or how nice I smell.

I am missing it.

I am missing the shared laughter, the foundations of our companionship and the first kiss and touch and feel of him.

The feel of his chin when he hasn't shaved and the familiarity of his hand in mine and the way I find the back of his neck so attractive.

The way his persona changes when he wears a suit or something more casual.

The life he has lived that has been etched upon his face with such irrevocable grace.

The stories he has to tell about the life he has lived so far, the people he is related to and the hidden talent that he is embarrassed that they might allude too.

The similarities we share and the polarities that we do not.

Most of all I am missing the way he will hold me.

I am missing the way in which we shall just enjoying being.

I want to tell him that I am a worthy adversary that he will be glad of in the coming years.

I want him to see me as I truly am.

You see those couples don't you who are in the throws of the first flush of love.

Their tactile intimacy gives them away.

You don't want to intrude by looking at them, but their enthusiasm for each other demands your attention and draws your gaze. It is so intoxicating that it takes your breath away.

Well, now I am ready to be just like they are because my Hope Chest is so full, that I am having to sit on in order make sure that it is secured.

And so is my heart.

So here I am, ready and waiting for the most incredible journey that with be full of new discoveries and adventures.

Here I am.

On my birthday I shall be surrounded by my friends and family. I am blessed in that way and I shall be raising a glass or two to all that is too come, and will be, and especially to hope.