In A Previous Life By Holly Searle

I have to be honest with you, the clues have always been there.

As a child I would visually consumed an almost unhealthy amount of Hollywood musicals.

"Gotta dance!"

I was, and will forever remain, in love with Gene Kelly.

I have a fair to middling record collection that features Doris Day, Judy Garland, Dusty Springfield and Pasty Cline.

I had crushes on Montgomery Clift, Farley Granger and Sal Mineo. And actually was lost for words the first time I ever saw Marlon Brando rip his t-shirt off and yell "Stella!" in A Streetcar Named Desire.

I adore Tennessee Williams.

And, there was that influential introduction to Cher via a Music and Movement class at the age of seven, when we all had to danced around in an uninhibited fashion to Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves.

And, I must have seen every Bette Davis film ever made.

“Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars.”

Imitation of Life, Terms of Endearment and Beaches have all bench marked moments in my life as well as succeeding in reducing me to tears.

I love John Waters.

And I always wanted Alexis Carrington to have the last laugh in Dynasty.

Miaow.

I would dearly love to known Quentin Crisp.

I am fascinated by The Wizard of Oz.

And Truman Capote gave me my name.

Yes, I have known it for the longest time.

In another life, I was without doubt, a gay man.

Now, I do not wish to offend anyone by drawing these conclusions or by making these comparisons.

On the contrary, I am delighted that I was.

And besides, anyone who knows me, knows that I would never do anything like that, it just isn't my style.

But, the facts speak for themselves. They are irrefutable.

Of course these facts do not account for all of the aspects of my personality. But they certainly played a prevalent role throughout my formative years.

I have no idea why I was so drawn to these particular thing, or them to me. I just was.

It could well be just because I have always been an open minded and accepting soul. One blessed with a mind like a Heath Robinson drawing, that can hosts and welcomes all and sundry just because it has the ability to do so, pure and simple and nothing more.

I have never liked something just because it was in vogue.

I like things because I like them.

That is who I truly am.

Of course, what I should also explain, is that I have never felt particularly girly. I never really did girly things and I certainly didn't know what being girly was.

Unlike Maria in West Side Story, I wasn't prone to dancing around my bedroom and singing I feel Pretty while my friends chorused in response " Have you met my good friend Maria the craziest girl on the block?"

It just wasn't me. Although, it may well have been them.

And then there are the days when I feel like a man dressed as a woman.

I mentioned this to my Mother one day and she said "I get that too."

It is the surrealist of feelings, to feel like that.

But maybe it is all part of the process, just another string to the bow of previous incarnation. Who knows?

And now I have noticed my curious liking for rather beautiful young men.

And no, it isn't a serious pastime. It is more like window shopping for something I actually don't really want or need, or come to think of, have the energy or patience for.

It's a bit like seeing a puppy and thinking "Oh how adorable" but in reality knowing full well, that I don't really want one.

But how could I fail not to notice such wonders. They are everywhere those fit young men. Shame on them and their preposterous good looks. Their leader is of course Ryan Gosling in all his Crazy, Stupid, Love photoshoped hilarity.

Sighs.

As I grow older, I rarely watch musicals any more. Which is a shame. I find them a little passé and out of sync with modernity.

But yes, I did see Les Misérables, but it hardly possessed the same Hollywood glamour that Georges Guétary displayed whilst climbing a staircase and singing I'll build a stairway to paradise in An American In Paris.

But you can't fault a Fosse.

Sweet Charity is simply sublime and they broke the mould when they made that one.

"The minute you walked in the joint,I could see you were a man of distinction,a real big spender."

Bette Davies is long gone, but her movies still remain.

And I haven't been that moved by a film of late.

I still like the odd blast of Spooky by Dusty from time to time, but my Sweet Dreams and Walking After Midnight days appear to be a thing of the past.

It is obvious to me that I am just heading in a different direction now.

Hopefully though, I won't ever prefer a cup of tea to a cuddle

“Sing out Louise!”